Trying Again With an Ex From Years Ago

Getting back with an ex after years is much easier than getting back with an ex right after the breakup. That's because when an ex breaks up with you, your ex is done for good. You can't reason with the dumper and change his or her mind no matter what you say or do. The only thing left to do is to focus on yourself and give your ex as much time and freedom as needed.

Breakups naturally generate such powerful nauseating emotions that the dumper doesn't want anything to do with you anymore. The negative emotions the dumper feels are so unpleasant that even your ex doesn't understand where they come from.

All your ex knows is that staying near you makes your ex feel uncomfortable and that your ex must run away from you as fast as possible. That's how your ex can focus only on himself or herself and stop worrying about what you're thinking, feeling, and doing.

Since your ex has associated a lot of unpleasant emotions with you, you need to understand that your ex needs a strong motive to come back. Your ex needs to realize that you were a good romantic partner and that he or she has made a huge mistake.

And this is something that could take your ex months or years to realize. It depends on what your ex does and what he or she is like as a person.

So unless you plan on living forever, I suggest that you don't wait for your ex to have an "aha moment." Your life is just too precious to waste it on someone who doesn't appreciate you as much as you appreciate him or her. Whether you're attached to your ex or not, you have to put yourself first and continue to move on.

It's your only option because as long as your ex is staying away from you, your ex doesn't deserve your one-sided love. He or she deserves nothing but silence and the freedom he or she has asked for.

Always remember that there is no such thing as accidental breakups—as all breakups happen for a reason. Something goes wrong in relationships that forces couples to look for happiness away from each other. If they find happiness, they tend not to come back. They just focus on their new lives.

And if they fail to find it, they come running back and apologize for making a selfish decision. It's unfortunate that it sometimes takes dumpers years to learn the lessons they needed to learn a long time ago. But that's just the way life works.

People learn things when it's their time to learn them.

In this post, we'll discuss why getting back with an ex after years is better than giving the relationship another try right after the breakup.

Is getting back with an ex after years even possible?

Getting back with an ex after spending years apart is possible, but bear in mind that your ex needs to first enjoy his or her life without you. Your ex needs to go out more, make new friends, get or change a job, go on vacations without you, and do the things a person without restrictions does.

Once your ex has done all these things and got enthusiastic about dating again, your ex then needs to get in some kind of trouble that diminishes his or her self-esteem and evokes despondent emotions.

Your ex basically needs to get hurt because pain and unhappiness are the catalysts for getting back with an ex after months or years. They are the best incentives for dumpees to realize their dumpers' worth and come back to give the relationship another try.

Contrarily, if you just got dumped and are hoping your ex will suddenly see your good qualities, you need to know that it probably won't happen. Your ex is in a highly unreceptive emotional state and likely blames you for the way he or she feels and doesn't feel.

Until your ex suffers some kind of shock and gets a reality check the hard way, your ex likely won't change his or her opinion of you. Your ex will think of you the way he or she does now and refuse to take responsibility.

People learn the hard way

Dumpers and people in general just don't change unless something unpredictable and painful happens to them and forces them to engage in introspection. Most of the time, they remain oblivious of their problems and mentalities and refuse to do anything to grow.

They stay closed-minded until life circumstances cause them pain and affect their egos and self-esteem.

That's why we can say that unhappiness is the main incentive that forces exes to change thoughts, beliefs, and negative perceptions. Unhappiness makes dumpers want to help themselves and be the people they should have been ages ago.

For your ex to get hurt and reflect, your ex will need some time to enjoy life after the breakup and become capable of getting hurt first. He or she will need to forget about you and probably even start dating someone else. That's how your ex will put himself or herself in a situation where he or she can fail and suffer for overestimating his or her abilities.

So if the breakup just happened, don't think that your ex will regret breaking up with you right away. It's unlikely that your ex will come back to you while he or she feels relieved and wants to date other people.

Your ex will first need to go through the stages of a breakup for the dumper and get comfortable with someone he or she adores. That person will then have to disappoint or hurt your ex and show your ex that you were a better romantic partner and that you can give your ex what he or she needs.

How to get back with an ex after years apart?

If you're thinking that you need to "do something" to get your ex back, let me assure you that you don't need to persuade your ex into coming back. Your ex was the one who left and focused on other things and people, so you can't do anything to drag your ex back into a relationship with you.

As a dumpee, you don't possess the power to manipulate your ex's decision. You can't control your ex's attraction and love for you even if you're confident and know what to say and do to make people fall in love with you. You have to understand that exes aren't romantic partners. They're exes whose feelings can't be influenced by words and actions.

Not after they've changed the way they perceive you and developed fears, doubts, or resentments. These things make it impossible for your ex to feel something for you again. They make sure you don't get too close to your ex and try to force your ex to give you what you need from your ex.

So bear in mind that getting back with your ex after years won't be as simple as messaging your ex and hoping that your ex has worked through all the negative thoughts and emotions your ex had developed before breaking up with you. It will take a lot more effort on your ex's part.

Your ex will have to see that you respect yourself and that you don't need him or her back. This realization could force your ex to think about you when life gives your ex lemons and forces him or her to engage in introspection.

So whatever you do, don't expect your ex to take you back just because years have gone by. If your ex's negative associations haven't changed, they won't change after you've messaged your ex either. They'll remain exactly the way they were years ago when you got broken up with.

Why is that? Don't dumpers forget negative experiences from the past?

Dumpers definitely forget some negative experiences, but they tend not to improve their perceptions of their exes. That's because dumpers don't need to remember all the issues that plagued the relationship to remember how they felt years ago.

They automatically remember how they felt because they store opinions of their exes in the forms of associations – subconscious emotions.

Many dumpers, unfortunately, don't possess the strength and willpower to change their opinion about someone they fell out of love with. They don't see a reason to because negative opinions give them strength and reasons to respect themselves and stick with their decisions.

If you want to get back together with your ex after years, you have to wait for your ex to become curious about you and reach out. That will show that your ex has developed some respect for you and that your ex may not be completely happy with the way life is going for him or her.

Forget about your ex and focus on yourself

Whether it's been months or years since you and your ex broke up, you'll have to forget about your ex for a while and start following the indefinite no contact rule. You'll have to study the rules of no contact in and out and understand why the power of no contact could make your ex curious about you and want to be with you when the time is right.

Learning more about breakup dynamics is essential because breakups aren't relationships. They're completely different as any kind of pushing and crying achieves the opposite. Instead of making your ex see that you care, they show that you don't care about yourself and that it's better and safer for your ex to stay away from you and focus on himself or herself.

So no matter how hurt you are or how good you think your ex was, take your focus off your ex. Your ex can't know you're dying to get back together because that won't only make you look desperate but also kill whatever attraction your ex has built up over the years.

Always remember that exes come back when you moved on and stopped caring about them. They see you don't need them anymore and that you're happy without them. This then makes them curious about you and if life gives them lemons, forces them to want your strength and happiness.

It's not about getting back together with your ex. It's about you!

The time after the breakup is meant for you to become happy with yourself (or with someone else). It's the time for you to stop seeing your ex as the only person who can love you and start seeing your ex as just an ordinary human being who didn't want to stay committed to you.

You need to understand that your ex gave up on you once and that unless something big changes on both ends, your ex could leave again even if he or she comes back. This is because your ex hasn't changed much as a dumper. Your ex just focused on being happy and neglected his or her issues.

Your ex will have to work on certain problems after he or she gets dumped or experiences some kind of emotional difficulty.

So if you're trying t get back together with an ex after years, bear in mind that some important things will have to change first.

Your ex will have to:

1. Deal with relief, elation, and suffocation from the breakup and/or get over your breakup mistakes.
2. Know you're not desperately waiting to get back together and that you don't depend on him or her for happiness.
3. Engage in activities that make your ex happy and distracted from the breakup.
4. Forget about some of the bad times from the past and think more fondly of you.
5. Run into problems, reflect, and realize that you were a good partner.

As you can see, your ex has quite a lot of work to do. Some of the work your ex can do subconsciously by doing the things he or she loves and wants to do. Other things, however, will need a strong emotional incentive to change. They'll need some kind of failure (most likely romantic) because failure could hurt your ex and enable your ex to put himself or herself under the microscope and discover your worth in the process.

Wait at least half a year before you consider getting back with your ex

It's extremely important that you don't rush back into a relationship with your ex even if your ex comes back. All dumpees and dumpers should give their broken relationship some time to rest so that they can work on themselves individually and break old patterns that brought on the separation.

Although people need roughly 66 days to change their beliefs and behavior, it can often take people much longer than that. Some people aren't motivated to change (especially dumpers), so they need more time to find the desire or need to change and then actually work on changing.

If demotivated people get back together before they've done the work on themselves, they risk breaking up again. That's because they get back together before anything significant has changed. They're still the same people internally and will, therefore, most likely break up for the same behavioral reasons.

They basically need to reflect and grow before they give a relationship that has failed another (final) chance.

Here are some advantages of getting back with an ex after many years.

From my observations, it often takes at least a few months of hard work to change and improve some of the most-deeprooted characteristics and behaviors such as:

• poor self-control
• jealousy and controlling behavior
• pessimism
• communication
• impatience
• unhealthy habits
• integrity

Make sure to wait at least a few months before you consider giving the same romantic relationship another chance. If you don't wait and work on yourself, you'll be continuing the relationship rather than starting a new one.

Breakups teach us valuable lessons

If you're afraid that your ex is slipping away during no contact, you need to know that time is your greatest ally. Every second you spend mourning for your ex and blaming yourself, you spend improving your old behavioral and thinking patterns.

Although your "could haves" and "should haves" aren't the best for your self-esteem and happiness, they nonetheless allow you to mature and rewire your brain. And this is important so that the next relationship doesn't suffer from the same unhealthy patterns and issues.

The next relationship needs to be an improved relationship and last much longer.

Always remember that pain is something you both need. It's something your ex needs to improve the way he or she perceives you and something you need to grow within and have stronger romantic relationships in the future.

Here are 5 ways people improve.

If you're like most dumpees, then you're most likely empowered with the desperation to make things happen. You've been given a golden opportunity to self-reflect and improve yourself more than people who aren't suffering.

Your ex, on the other hand, is empowered with relief and elation and other unproductive emotions that don't make him or her improve, but rather regress. Your ex will need some time to process these emotions before he or she finds a reason and sees the need to improve.

This is why you should wait long enough for your ex to also feel the need to improve, otherwise, you could outgrow your ex by a mile and encounter the same problems later.

Why is getting back with an ex years later possible?

A lot can happen in a year, let alone years. That's why your ex will probably start dating someone else and become emotionally attached to that person.

From afar, your ex's new relationship will seem to be heading in the right direction and make your ex appear happy with his or her new partner. That is until your ex gets to the end of the honeymoon (infatuation phase) and starts encountering problems in the relationship.

That's when your ex and his or her new partner will show their true colors and put their relationship skills to the test.

This is inevitable as it happens to all new couples. All couples go through certain relationship stages and eventually get to a point where they stop pretending to be someone they're not. It happens to them about 4-6 months into the new relationship and makes them or breaks them.

Since your ex left you and hasn't done any soul-searching after the breakup, your ex could encounter the same problems in the next relationship/s. He or she could blame the new person for the way he or she feels and get broken up with when too many issues pile up.

I'm not saying your ex will break up for certain, but if your ex is underdeveloped and has a lot of things to discover, your ex will likely experience a lot of issues that could cause friction. The same is true for your ex's new partner.

Just keep in mind that some couples stay together even if their relationship isn't healthy. They have an unhealthy push-pull bond that keeps them attracted to each other until they exhaust the relationship and become resentful.

Why do exes come back after years?

Exes come back after years when you've moved on and buried the past. They do that because they haven't learned anything from the breakup with you. Instead of reflecting, they just swept their issues under the rug and expected their new relationship to be better.

Unlike dumpees who develop self-awareness and grow into better people, dumpers tend to point fingers and refuse to take responsibility. They convince themselves that their exes are to blame and that they have nothing to work on.

This, in turn, makes their old issues resurface and complicates their relationships with others. But that's not all. Dumpers also face new unpredictable problems caused by their new partners. And this is what throws them off guard because they don't expect their new relationships to be the same or worse than the previous one. They expect it to be much better, so they get hurt and realize they've taken their exes for granted.

Unfortunately, it takes many dumpers years to learn that their ex was good for them. But by that time, it might already be too late. Dumpees normally get over their ex after a while and find someone more developed. Someone who'd already gone through the self-reflective experience their ex needed to go through.

People are reprogrammable robots

You must remember that people are creatures of habit. The way we think, speak, act, and love is deep-rooted in our brains, hence why we repeat the same behaviors over and over again. We follow certain patterns because doing so feels comfortable to us.

And the same goes for your ex. Since your ex refused to correct his or her shortcomings, you can't expect your ex to miraculously fix them with the next person he or she dates.

If your ex dumped you and monkey-branched to someone else, he or she is still the same person. Your ex thinks that the same old tricks will work on the new person and give better results.

Little does your ex know that breakups are chances for people to reflect and learn from rather than just ignore the need to grow.

Because your ex just wants to move on to someone else without putting the work in, your ex could once again fail and realize that his or her long-term relationship broke apart because of a lack of effort and commitment. This could make your value skyrocket and perhaps even force your ex to come knocking on your doors.

By the time this happens, your ex will have forgotten most of your negative traits. Your ex will stop blaming you for the end of the relationship and crave your recognition.

But to get back together with an ex, sometimes 5, 10, or even 20 years have to go by. Your ex has to learn a valuable lesson first. And no one knows when and if that will happen.

Getting back with your ex years later can help your ex mature the hard way

Provided your ex gets dumped or goes through something similarly stressful to you, your ex could once again want to be in a relationship with you.

Your ex could become desperate for a healthy relationship and start looking for people to soothe his or her anxiety. The person who could help your ex the most is you because you didn't abandon your ex. You stayed with your ex until he or she got the grass is greener syndrome and left you to see what else is out there.

This means you could be a very good safety option for your ex. You could be your ex's recovery plan and someone he or she can get back with very quickly.

Don't take it personally, but that's what reconciliations are. They're backup plans for dumpers who can't find happiness on their own or with someone else. If dumpers don't find what they're looking for, they normally return to their exes and see if their exes are still willing to work on the relationship.

So if your ex asks you back, bear in mind that your ex tried to find a suitable partner but couldn't. Your ex either wasn't developed for a relationship or your ex's partner/s weren't.

It's up to you if you want your ex back after he or she has failed.

You are in charge of the reconciliation!

When the breakup happens, it happens on your ex's terms. You have no say in it and need to accept it whether you want to or not. When your ex wants you back, however, the situation reverses. Your ex becomes the dumpee and you the dumper. This means you get full control of the reconciliation and get to decide what you want and don't want.

If you want your ex back, you can tell your ex what you want your ex to work on. Be firm, but also respectful and sympathetic.

If you don't want your ex back anymore, however, then just say you've moved on and that you wish him or her the best of luck. You don't have to explain why you don't want to be in a relationship with your ex anymore. Your ex will figure it out if he or she hasn't grown much since the breakup.

But provided that you do want your ex back, make sure to remain in control of the whole reconciliation process. This is important so that you can encourage your ex to self-invest and be the person your ex should have been years ago when he or she was with you.

Your ex needs to see you're not fooling around this time and that if he or she fails to impress you that you'll leave and find someone else. You shouldn't tell your ex that verbally, of course, but do show your ex that you respect yourself and that your ex needs to do the same.

Here are the dumper's benefits of getting back with an ex years later.

If your dumper ex has learned a valuable lesson and finally sees what you bring to the table, don't just stop working on yourselves a few weeks after the breakup. Try to make personal growth into a permanent part of you and motivate each other to stay self-aware and grateful.

If you do this, you'll rebuild trust in the relationship and also have a much stronger relationship that will overcome old and new problems.

Are you thinking of getting back with an ex after years? Have you tried getting back with your ex? Leave a comment in the comments section below.

However, if you're looking for breakup coaching and want our help, check out our coaching services.

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Source: https://magnetofsuccess.com/getting-back-with-an-ex-after-years/

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